AGGIE JOKES. We should build a definitive repository.

[.45s]

Man, there must be a bunch of young ones here who haven’t learned Aggie jokes.

 

An Aggie comes home early from work and finds his wife in bed with another man.  In anger, he rushes over to the dresser and grabs a pistol from one of the drawers.  He puts it to his head and his wife yells “Please don’t”.  He looks at her and says “Shut up, you’re next bit_h”.

[MarkInAustin]

An Aggie walks up to the library reference desk and orders a cheeseburger, fries, and sweet tea.

The librarian whispers "This is a library!"

The Aggie whispers back: "I want a cheeseburger, fries, and sweet tea."

 

[MarkInAustin]

Dude graduates from Texas A&M school of Agriculture, goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the Aggie returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks. When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the Aggie why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The Aggie says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

Bemused by his lack of success, the Aggie sends off a report of what he has done to Texas A&M, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."

[MarkInAustin]

Two Aggies had bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about 1 mile left to reach the truck."

A third hunter saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the deer the other way, the antlers won't stick in the mud."

So the Aggies give it try and it works! The first Aggie says, "That hunter was right! This way is a lot easier."

The second Aggie says, "Sure was, but now we're two miles from the truck."

[MarkInAustin]

Why do they have astroturf at Kyle Field?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

[MarkInAustin]

Dude's chicks finally grow up despite Dude's attempts to plant them.  

Some of then get sick and he fears they have Newcastle, which could wipe out his flock.  So after strangling one he sends the hen off to the A&M lab for diagnosis.  

The lab reports back: this chicken died from a broken neck.

[Mike Hill]

They had to take the "911" off the the police cars in College Station...

Them Aggies kept stealin' them thinking they were Porsches. 

[Mike Hill]

There was this guy that lived down by College Station and he had a buddy that was and Aggie, he called his buddy up one day and his Aggie buddy was telling him he was very depressed. The guy asked him, why are you so depressed? The Aggie says well I picked up this puzzle and I've been working on it all afternoon and I can't get the puzzle to look like the picture on the box. His buddy asks, what's the puzzle supposed to look like and Aggie says a rooster. So his buddy says well hang on I'll come over and see if I can help and over he goes. He gets there comes walking in takes a look at the Aggie, a look at the table and looks at the puzzle, and says well I can certainly understand why you're feeling so frustrated with that puzzle. I tell you what, why don't you just go outside grab you a beer and sit out on the porch and try to calm down and I'll see if I can get all these Corn Flakes back into the box...

[.45s]

Did you hear A&M just took delivery of 1000 septic tanks?

As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they are invading UT.

 

 

Did you hear about the Aggie whose wife gave birth to triplets?

When he heard the news, he grabbed his double barrel shotgun and took off to go find the other two guys.

 

Did you hear about the Aggie that learned to count to 21?

He was arrested for indecent exposure.

[MitchMitchell-Hook-Em]

Did you hear about the Aggie elevator operator?  It took him 3 weeks to learn the route!

[.45s]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender
serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke
the other day. Do you want to hear it?"

The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you
that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar?
They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're
Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"

The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five
times..."

[.45s]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender
serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke
the other day. Do you want to hear it?"

The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you
that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar?
They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're
Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"

The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five
times..."

[.45s]

An aggie went to a drug store to buy a box of condoms.
He asked the clerk, “How much are they?”
The clerk replied, “$10.99 plus tax.”
The aggie, looking more confused than usual, replied, “I have to use tacks to keep them on?”

[.45s]

An aggie went to a drug store to buy a box of condoms.
He asked the clerk, “How much are they?”
The clerk replied, “$10.99 plus tax.”
The aggie, looking more confused than usual, replied, “I have to use tacks to keep them on?”

[.45s]

A student from Texas A&M, a student from The University of Texas, and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his firstborn. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was
restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

"Good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy young boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. "However, since the lights went out at the most
inopportune time, we aren't sure which firstborn belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."

The three proud papas agreed, and the Longhorn won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the
piglet and headed for the door.

"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice?" the nurse asked.

"No, I'm not," replied the Longhorn. "But I just couldn't take the chance of choosing the Aggie."
 

[Mike Hill]

From the late Great Blackie Sherrod: A young Aggie had just landed his first job after graduation, but it was in Los Angeles, he had never been out of Brazos County before. The day before he was going to get on the bus his mom had a lady friend over and she was telling the friend about the big news.  The lady friend says, “I got a boy that works out there, could you call him in here I got a favor to ask.” He comes in and the lady sez, “If you see my boy out there you tell him to call home.” The Aggie sez, “Shore, what’s his name?” The lady sez, “Dunn, John Dunn.” Off he goes…

He gets all the way out there to LA and the bus drops him off right in downtown L A, cars and people going every which way… He just so happens to look up and there’s a tall building with a big sign on top, “Dun and Bradstreet.”

So he crosses the street and heads inside, there’s a young receptionist gal behind a big counter. The Aggie walks up and asks, “You gotta a John here?” See says, “Well of course, the second door on the right, just down that hallway.” He says, "Appreciate it.”

He goes walking in about the time a guy is coming out of one of the stalls, the Aggie asks the guy, “Are you Dunn?”  The guy looks at him sorta puzzled and says, “Well, yah I guess I am.” The Aggie says, “Call your Mama.”